HE said, She said

OMG I just clicked on the site and realized it's been a week since my last post. I know my #1 fan is always disappointed when I take long breaks between posts so I'm making the random decision to just write. Usually I have somewhat of an idea of what I'm going to write or at least the point I want to make while writing but today I have none of the above. So today I'm being spontaneous and I'm spontaneous never so you let me know how it goes. =)

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If asked I would describe myself as the kind of person who seeks wise counsel often. Ooh, I like how that sounds. It makes it seem as if I constantly seek wisdom and not like I'm the indecisive, uptight- I mean cautious- person that I am. So the latest issue that I was seeking wise counsel on is yet again regarding a boy. I saw this dude recently who I had lost contact with several years agao and in my opinion I felt the conversation was uneventful. We spoke, gave each other super abridged updates on our life, and then went our separate ways. One of my friends inquired about the conversation and I told her what was said word for word. Immediately her countenance changed and she looked excited but almost upset with me. "Ohmigosh, he was soo trying to talk to you and you just shut him down." I couldn't figure out what the heck she was talking about. How did we have two completely different interpretations of the same conversation!?! I let her calm down and then listened to her explain her theory of what he was trying to say during our conversation and how he interpreted what I said. "You know boys are dumb. They can't just come out and say stuff and he tried to let you know he was interested and you completely shut him down." I felt my heart sink. OMG. What if she was right? What if I had missed my opportunity and the love that could have developed between us was lost forever??? Nah, she couldn't be right... and from there my new search for wise counsel commenced.

My first stop was my mom. I tend to trust her opinion because she sugar coats things for me never. Can you believe I got the same reaction my friend gave me and she was surprisingly more upset with me than my friend was. "You were probably so rude to him." I thought about it. Okay, maybe I was a little short with him but rude, no. "I know you. You probably had your face booted up and you were looking at him like, 'Why are you talking to me.'" I thought about that too. Okay, maybe in my mind I was thinking, "Why is he even talking to me," but that doesn't mean that that's how my face looked. I wasn't convinced. "Ma, how do you know?" "Because I know you and that's what I would have done!" Oh so here we were finally getting to the core of it. "So how you gon' be mad at me 'cause I act like you? It's your fault." She agreed so I won the "argument" but I still left the conversation feeling defeated. Was I really unknowingly rude to people? Were my thoughts really that transparent because they were written all over my face? Nah, she couldn't be right... and from there my search for wise counsel continued.

The next stop was my cousin. Once again I got the same reaction but at least she tried to be a little nicer about it, which actually made it even worse. The one person who doesn't even believe in calling dudes suggested that I call him. "Just call him one time though. After that it's all on him." What!?! Me calling him was out of the question and I let her know that. I even added on that I really didn't care, anyway. Now that was a lie but I was trying to make a point. It was then that she got really serious, "Yes you do. I can see it in your eyes. You want to go out and have fun and you want a boo to do it with." Well at that point I almost died or cried or both. I don't even know how I felt. Did I really look like a sad desperado w/ no boo? Uhh I couldn't take it. Everyone was saying exactly the same thing but it didn't make me feel any better about potentially contacting him. I talked to my old roommate from college and my Godmother she agreed with the rest so there was only one more stop to go. My oldest little brother who had the self-proclaimed title of being, "The Man."


This little clown is never to be taken seriously even when he is being serious but I was desperate so I listened. "Yeah, I once had a situation like that with a girl. I started talking to her again after a brief period of not talking to her and she got an attitude. You know how yall African American women do. She went off on me talking 'bout, 'Oh so now you want to talk to me!' I was like, 'That's a bet. I didn't want to talk to you anyway.' Why, cause I'm the man and I don't love these hos!" It was at that point I questioned whether it was wise to be be listening to this fool. "Nah but for real I didn't even know there was a problem with her. I know I had stopped talking to her but it took a lot of effort for me to even try to start talking to her again. Then she got an attitude... I know you had an attitude with that boy too. I know you and you're crazy. You should just text him. If it were me I would be like, ''Sup,' but since you're a girl you should say, "Wuz up." At that point I was 100% sure that it was not wise for me to be listening to him. At 22 years old he is technically a grown up I know that he is still far far from being a real grown man. Talking to him was pure comedy as usual but the fact that he mentioned that I acted like a stereotypical black girl did make me think...

After all of that I finally found someone who agreed with me, my older cousin. I consider her to be wise for real, after all she's been on this earth almost longer than my mom and I put together have been. She told me that my response to him was to be expected and that if he was truly interested in me he would make that known, therefore I should not contact him at all. I thought that someone finally agreeing with me would make me feel better but the uncertainty remained. I felt like the woman at the top of this page. I didn't want to hear anyone else's opinion. I just wanted peace.

It was at that point I made the decision to pray about it. To really pray about it too, not just the simple, "God what should I do" prayers that I had been praying before. When I prayed God answered. He reminded me of the role of a woman in a man's life and brought me all the way back to Adam and Eve. He revealed to me that when I finally get with the man I am supposed to be with he will not only want to be with me but he will need me. As women we are designed to be a helper for men, the Bible explains that very clearly in Genesis, so it is important for me to enter the man's life when he recognizes that he needs help, and not before. Then He reminded me of the fact that timing is everything. He brought me back to Moses and the children of Israel wandering around in the desert. The promise of entering the new land had already been made and they were already making their way there but some important things had to happen before they got there. They had to learn some things on their journey and certain people had to die before they reached their destination. God wanted to make sure that the right people with the right mindset were the ones to enter the promised land. The same rules apply for me today. I know there will be a man someday but in the meantime I have to learn some things and certain things have to die in my life before I am able to enter into the promised land/relationship. My wise council to whom I went for wise counsel pointed out some things about me that I'm not too happy about. I don't want to be seen as the stereotypical black girl who always has an attitude. I don't want to be seen as the unapproachable girl who is hard to talk to because she's so rude. I don't want to be seen as the sad girl who is desperate to find a man. In my mind that's not me therefore I don't want to be perceived as being that way and these are all things I can change (not the way others perceive me of course, but my behavior).

All of a sudden I felt so silly because I know I should of went to God first. I did with my "God what should I do prayer" but I should have went to him genuinely and earnestly, really seeking Him and what He had to say. That's what He's there for. He doesn't expect us to know which way to turn or what decisions to make so He makes himself available to reveal those things to us. It's our fault if we don't ask Him. I've had enough of that he said/ she said, my focus now is on what He said- period. I love, love, love my wise council but I will do my best to seek wise counsel from Him 1st from now on.

What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and grieves to bear.
What a privilege we often carry
everything to God in prayer.

Oh what peace we often forfeit,
oh what needless pain we're to bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Here & Now

When I hear the phrase, "here and now" the first thing that comes to mind is the song, "Here and Now" by Luther Vandross. The song is a classic so I would hope that you would know it but just in case you don't here's the chorus:

Here and now
I promise to love faithfully [Faithfully]
You're all I need
Here and now
I vow to be one with thee [You and me], hey
Your love is all [I need] I need

It really it is a beautiful song. A man promising to be faithful and vowing to be one with the love of his life... I'm sure that numerous people have gotten married to this song and plenty babies have been conceived with this song playing in the background. HOWEVER, I can't help but wonder why he's stressing the here and now so much. Some might say that he's just focused on being in the moment but I would argue, what if he's stressing the here and now because there and then he wasn't faithful and he was not only one with the girl he was singing to he was one with Keisha and Tanya and Sarah and Jamie too. Is the girl just supposed to believe him and all of his here and now promising and vowing and just forget there and then???

Now isn't it convenient that as I'm typing this Musiq Soulchild's song, "Today" is playing in the background on my computer. Now look at the lyrics of this song, 

"Today"

[Verse 1:]
People always on a search tryna find that one (one)
But it's funny how they may not recognize it when it finally comes
(think it's) think it's at the mall
(or it's) or it's sippin' at the bar
All these dates and phone conversations we doing it all for what
When your Mrs. Right it's always Mrs. Wrong (Mrs. Wrong)
But I never stop to notice you where there all along (yeah)
Girl you're everything I could ever want and need
Now it's all clear to me and that's why

[Chorus:]
Today I've made up my mind
I'm gonna take this chance, bet my life on this
Cause this precious love I've found in you
My yesterday's are gone and tomorrow's never promised to no one
I finally decided girl that my today is you

[Verse 2:]
Now that I'm about to put myself (self) out on a limb for love that means (no more) no more at
the club (tryna) pick something up
No more late night creepin' holler'n trying to see what's good for the night
I wanna be the best man for you (so)
If I gotta change my ways then baby I'll do
(whatever) whatever I got to keep you here by my side and starting with today

[Chorus:]
Today I've made up my mind
I'm gonna take this chance, bet my life on this
Cause this precious love I've found in you
My yesterday's are gone and tomorrow's never promised to no one
I finally decided girl that my today is you

[Bridge:]
It took me a while (said it kinda took me a while)
To realize just how much (how much you really)
Really mean to me though what we have is so clear anyone can see
But I was just (tryna keep it on the low)
But I wasn't ready for love (I wasn't sure but now I know)
Now I believe that you and I were meant to be and that's why

[Chorus:]
Today I've made up my mind
I'm gonna take this chance, bet my life on this
Cause this precious love I've found in you
My yesterday's are gone and tomorrow's never promised to no one
I finally decided girl that my today is you 

See this is exactly what I'm talking about! Some girls would be like, "Awww that's so sweet," and hug and kiss a dude if he sang this to her, but a girl like me would be like, "What the hell-o kitty took you so long!?!" This may sound like the ranting of a bitter, crazy woman because it is, LOL. I have been called bitter more times than I care to admit this week by one friend. Then another friend told me just yesterday that I need to focus on the here and now, both of which regarding a situation with this one dude. (Yep, the same dude I'm trying to get selective amnesia for, LOL.) Now these two particular friends are really good close friends who are both really wise and have really strong relationships with the Lord so if they're both telling me the same thing I should probably listen...

I recognize today that I can't keep living in the past. Just because someone hurt me in the past doesn't mean that he'll do the same thing again. There is a difference between being cautious and having discernment and building up walls that are impossible to break through. The reality of the situation is that I still do care about this dude and I'm not saying that there will ever be a "Here and Now" or a "Today" moment between us but I know that there will never be one if I keep holding on to the past and I remain bitter. 

It reminds me of the message Paul sends us in Philippians 3:12-14 about pressing toward the goal:

Philippians 3:12-14:

Pressing toward the Goal

   ¹² I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. ¹³ No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it,^[a] but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

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Paul's goal was not only to get to know God but to be like Him and he was not willing to let anything get in the way of him reaching his goal. He realized that he had to change his focus in order to go where he needed to go. He chose to let go of his shortcomings and his past and focus on the promise of eternal life in God. 

The message I want to leave with you today is less about this boy but more about focusing on the here and now. What goals do you have for yourself? For your relationships? For your career? For you family? Let go of the past- past failures, past heartbreaks, past conflicts, any negativity in your past and focus on your goal. Don't let the past hinder your future. Although you may not be perfect and you may not have achieved your goals yet if you continue to press I believe with the help of God you will reach your goals. God bless. =)

  

Caution

This weekend I wanted to pray and ask God for selective amnesia. Fortunately I realized how crazy I sounded and I didn't bother wasting my breath on such a foolish prayer. I know I'm not the only one who has just wanted to erase the memory of someone from their mind though. Don't judge me, LOL.

We have big red signs that tell us to yield when merging into traffic, we have multi-colored lights that tell us when to stop, slow down, and go, we have big yellow signs that tell us to be careful when the floor is wet, and we have big red signs that tell us where to exit but it's not as if people walk around with signs on their heads warning us of their true character. Oh, how I wish they did though... That way I wouldn't be sitting here considering praying for selective amnesia...

You already know this is about a boy. Long story short I used to love, love, love him. I thought he was the most perfect imperfect human being in the entire world and just the sight of him made my heart beat a little bit faster. This was no childhood crush. I was grown, he was grown, and I felt that if we pursued a relationship together we could have been forever. But we didn't. Period. The end.

But that's just it... although you may stop speaking to a person and cognitively you comprehend that the relationship (friendship, "boo"ship, or otherwise) is over it doesn't always stop you from thinking about him and how perfect yall could have been together and how cute he still is... Not saying that I'm thinking these things about anybody. I'm just saying... What am I saying though?

I'm saying that because people don't walk around with signs on their heads we must depend on an omniscient God to give us discernment so that we make good decisions on who to enter into relationships with. Not just romantic relationships either. It's important who we're friends with, it's important who we make our acquaintances. Just last week I heard a tragic story about two cousins who were killed by one of their mom's ex-boyfriends. We can't afford to just walk around thinking that we're good judges of character. People are crazy these days and we can't allow the enemy to catch us off guard. We already know what he's about- stealing, killing, and destroying. Let's not get caught up. On the flip side, one of my friend's just got married to the love of his life and he couldn't be happier. He prayed to God for his wife and he got exactly what he prayed for. God can show you who's right for you just as well as He can show you who's wrong.

So consider yourself warned. Here is your big yellow sign: CAUTION. God gave us His Holy Spirit because He knew we would need it to deal with all of the things that this life may bring. Fortunately, whether you're foolishly tripping over love lost like me or you're dealing with something more serious God is there to lead you, guide you, and comfort you... Even when you find yourself praying for selective amnesia, LOL.

Psalm 23

   ¹The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

   ²He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

   ³He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

   ⁴Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

   ⁵Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

   ⁶Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

                  

Only Believe

I follow several blogs and I am a reality TV junkie. After a while I started to wonder, "What is it that has me hooked to this stuff?" The answer is simple. I'm nosey. =) Just kidding. The real answer is I appreciate the opportunity to peer into others people's lives and witness their stories. It amazes me that there are people who are bold enough to share their stories with the rest of the world whether the stories are written or televised. That is a level of vulnerability I admire but as of yet have been unable to achieve. When I created this blog I intended for it to be a personal account of the life and times of me... myself... and yes, you guessed it, Jesus (yet another thing I have been unable to achieve). Once again Imma try harder to do better. There's no false advertisement today. This entry is really about Me, Myself, and Jesus. Now I'll tell yall like Erykah Badu told her audience, "Now keep in mind that I'm an artist and I'm sensitive about my shhh." =)
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So once upon a time there was this boy. It was 10 years ago... I was a freshman in high school and he was a senior. I was in Fish Camp for marching band and he was my field officer. He was tall, light-skinned, and handsome; the stern but gentle leader of the low brass section. I had known him for years prior but this was different, this was high school. I just knew that being in marching band together would allow us to spend long days and nights together, practicing our music, sweating in the hot sun, getting to know each other better...  When the band director assigned us to stand next to each other on the field I thought that I would die from nervous excitement. He was so much more experienced and as he stood next to me I could hear his perfect tone as he played the music that he had already effortlessly memorized perfectly as he marched with his perfect posture and perfect toes. I felt so inferior as I stood next to him trying to match his tone while struggling to hold my sheet music that I had not yet memorized in one hand while moving my trombone slide with the other. He criticized me daily for not playing loud enough and not pointing my toes high enough and I worked everyday to be better. 


Then came our first game. I was beyond terrified standing there holding my trombone, praying that I would remember my notes, praying that I would remember my steps, and praying that I wouldn't fall. Then, out of no where he whispered, "Don't worry, you'll be fine. I'm right beside you." I felt a calmness sweep over me. That was all it took... I was in love. I failed to realize then that handsome senior men tend to have gorgeous senior girlfriends, therefore my crush remained exactly that- a crush.


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Okay, okay I admit it. Parts of that story may have been fantasized or romanticized but hey it was 10 years ago. I can barely remember 10 days ago, much less ten years... Anyway, imagine my surprise when sexy, single, Mr. Band Man walked into bible study this week. Suddenly I wished that it was not the day BEFORE my hair appointment and that I had not worn my nerdy glasses and carelessly thrown my hair into a ponytail. He waltzed in looking just as good as he used to in high school. He recognized me and came straight to me and shook my hand. We both said hello and commented on how it had been forever since we had seen each other and he went and sat directly across from me at the table. Everyone said their hellos at the table and eventually bible study began. We were a small little group of 5 but the discussion was powerful. I appreciated how everyone shared what part of the scripture stood out to them and discussed how it was relevant to their lives today. In that small group there were people of different ages, ethnicities, backgrounds, and religions but we were all there for the same reason- to study the Word of God. It reminded me of 1 Corinthians 12 where the Bible talks about the fact there are many parts but we all make up one body in Christ. This experience showed me that it doesn't matter what race you are or what religion you are, all of us are a part of the body of Christ and all of us have gifts, stories, and experiences that are relevant and that can be shared with others to upbuild the body of Christ. 
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Now who's to say what, if anything, will happen between me and Mr. Band Man... I'm not even concerned. I appreciate the important lesson I learned though. No matter who you are or where you're from you will have something in common with millions of Christinas around the world if you do this one thing- only believe.