So yall already know I'm a therapist. So in my professional capacity when I have a therapy session its formal, I mean informal because I'm me but I follow protocol. They come once a week (or whatever timeframe we agree to) and tell me what's up in their lives and I help them to come to conclusions and resolutions for the things that are occurring in their life and that's it. Outside the therapy room if I ran into them in the streets you wouldn't even know that I knew them unless they acknowledge me first. We're not friends. We don't hang out together. I'm just the person that they come to to talk about their problems, nothing more, nothing less.
I'm biased but I think that therapists are important. So many times people have issues and their lives and they hold it all inside because of their culture, or being afraid what people might say, or their own personal reasons and I think that counseling provides an outlet for them to address their issues rather than allowing everything to remain on the inside. Then there's people who are open enough to share their issues with their friends but they may not be able to come to the resolutions that they need to with their friends' help. Sometimes you tell your friends something and they're like, "Yeah girl that sucks." Okay, well I already knew it sucked before I told you, now what? In this situation a therapist can not only empathize with you but he/she can set goals with you to help you to overcome whatever it is.
All I'm saying is that friends and family are great and sometimes it's enough to go to them with your issues, but sometimes it's not and that's where people like me come in. I'm sooooooo happy to see that going to counseling is becoming more popular in American culture, especially African American culture. Tiny went to see someone on her reality show, Tiny and Toya, T.O. went to see a therapist on his show, Bethanny (idk if I'm spelling her name right, whatever) goes to a therapist regularly on her show, Bethanny Getting Married, the head lady on Keeping Up With The Joneses (I can't think of her name right now) went to go see a therapist. (Man, it's really sad how much reality TV I watch, geez. SMH.) Anyway, 3/4 of those people are Black so yeah seeing a therapist when necessary is what's hot. Come on, imagine sitting for an hour and just being allowed to talk about what's going on with you. It's all about you and you get to talk, vent, yell, cry, whatever while the other person listens and (unless you said something off the wall like you're gonna kill somebody or yourself of something) they can't tell anybody. Sounds great huh? I know. So don't be scurred. If something is going on in your life and you feel that you need counseling go for it. It can't hurt and although it's not likely you'll get someone as tight as me you can always hope, JK, JK, LOL. No, but real talk, I think that it's important for people to get over their false misconceptions about therapy and actually get down to solving their problems and resolving their issues. So in conclusion, "get yo mind right playa," literally. =)
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friends, How Many of Us Have Them...
Do yall even remember that song? Friends, how many of us have them? Friends, ones we can depend on. It's a song by Whodini... I'm pretty sure it's from the 80s... Whatever, if you know it great, if you don't I'll put the youtube video at the bottom so you can hear it. The song is talking about some real stuff and I feel that it's still relevant 20+ years later.
So in case you haven't figured it out today, tonight rather, I'm writing about friends. I had to give a talk to some little girls a couple of weeks ago about friends and I think my talk sucked. Well, let me take that back, I don't think I sucked because everything I said was true and relevant, but I don't feel like it was real. I don't think I was being my true self when I got up there and began talking. I don't know what was going on in my mind, if it was the venue, or I was intimidated by some of the other adults there, whatever it was, I was tripping and I'm still upset because whatever I do, whenever I do it, I need to feel comfortable enough to stand up and be me. Anyways, I will consider this blog post my "do over" and hopefully in the future I won't ever have to sit back and regret not being myself at a speaking engagement... Geez.
Aight, so if there's one thing that I know about it's friends, not because I'm a therapist, not because I read the Bible and I've read the Biblical qualifications a friend should have, this is something I know because of personal experience. Don't let the age fool you, I've had friends of all colors, shapes, sizes, backgrounds, ages, sexual orientations... you get the idea. I've had really really good friends, the kind that would jump over a table in the club to have my back (true story) and then I've had some not so good friends (I'll just leave those stories out to protect the guilty, you're welcome.)
I can remember every best friend I've ever had from the age of 5 on and I can also remember every friend that I've thought was a best friend who ended up being a lying, two-faced, ratchet... well I digress. Today I can honestly say that I'm grateful for every friend (and I use that term lightly) that I've ever had. The bad friendships that I've had have helped me to learn valuable lessons about what not to do in the future as well as appreciate the good friends that I have today. As for my good friends... I think this is where I'll put my focus for this post. As entertaining as it would be for me to give you stories about the bad ones I think it's much more relevant for me to talk about the good ones so that you can have the opportunity to recognize and appreciate the good friends that you have (and maybe those who aren't so good that you still hang out with.)
Aight, I have lots of people who fit in the category friend in my life. I have people who I was super close to "back in the day when I was young" who I might not talk to too much today but who remain in that category because of who they were to me. I have former classmates and coworkers who might not know my innermost thoughts and dreams but are fun people who I enjoy hanging out with. I have people who think they are my friends who really aren't who I allow to think that they are because I somewhat agree with the adage to "keep your friends close and your enemies closer." So there's all kinds of people in my life and in the midst of all of them there are my real friends. These are the people I consider to be family who I would not want to imagine living without. These are the people who talk to about everything and nothing and who accept me flaws and all who contribute to making me a better person. I'm sure that you have some of all of the above as well but these people, each and every person who fits in the friend category of my life, these are the people that I'm thinking of now as I make this list of: 5 Things You Should Know About Friends.
#1- All Friends Are Not Created Equal
Imma be for real and let you know that I have a hierarchy of friends. Let's look at it like a pyramid. I have a whole bunch of people on the bottom of the pyramid who are technically my friends but they're more like associates. If I run into them in the streets I'll speak but that's about all it is between us and probably all that it's ever gon' be. Then if you go up a little bit on the hierarchy you get to people I know. These are people who actually know my first and last name. They might know a little bit about me. They probably know my phone number and we probably talk a couple of times a year. There's more levels but as you go up the number of people on that level gets smaller and smaller and that's how it should be. Everybody you know should not know every detail of your life. This means you shouldn't put everything you do on Twitter where anybody and everybody can read it. You shouldn't have a Facebook status talking about how you and your Boo are having problems. Be smart people, everybody is not best friend material therefore you should make sure that you don't set yourself up to be hurt by someone you considered a best friend who really deserved to be an associate.
#2- Birds of a Feather Really Do Flock Together
Once upon a time I used to think that who I was friends with really didn't matter. It didn't matter if they did things that I didn't necessarily agree with or lived certain lifestyles that I knew weren't right or if they were rude people or if they didn't have a relationship with God... Um, WRONG! That stuff matters. You might not agree with everything your friends do with their lives and that's fine but if they're just in general not a good person why would you be friends with them in the first place? It matters who you're friends with because people tend to be like the people they hang out with. That means if your friend cusses 24/7 and you don't, don't be surprised if the more you hang out with them you start cussing too; and I'm not just saying that sometimes bad habits can rub off, good habits can rub off too. All I'm saying is, if you're a good person and you're trying to live a life that's right with God then surround yourself with people who are trying to do the same thing. It only makes sense.
#3- Friendships Take Time
Don't base your opinion on someone solely on first impressions. Many times people are trying to put their best foot forward in the beginning and you won't see who they really are until later. If you're thinking about making someone your BFF after knowing them for five seconds, don't. It takes time to get to know people, but once they show you who they really are Believe them! I will tell you from personal experience several of my closest friendships today started off with either me not liking them or them not liking me, however, once we got to know each other then we allowed our friendships to develop. Take your time, if they're a real friend then they're not going anywhere.
4- No Friend Is Perfect Therefore No Friendship Is Perfect
No matter how much you love your friend and they claim to love you, at some point there's going to be some discord and this is to be expected. So many people have unrealistic expectations for people and relationships in their lives. Take it from me, I've had some kind of conflict with every close friend I've ever had. Granted, some conflicts have been bigger than others but today when conflict arises in my friendship I'm not devastated because I know that at some point it's bound to happen. Do yourself a favor and accept that no one is perfect and no friendship is perfect so when conflict arises you are able to talk about it and work through it. After all, many friendships become stronger after going through something.
5- Best Friends, Yes; Best Friends Forever, Not So Much
I know what it is to have a friend that you think is the "best you ever had" and you just think that yall will be friends forever and then the friendship ends up not working out. It happens. Friends fall off with each other for whatever reason and that's just something that we have to learn to accept. I think that it's important to recognize that some people come into your life for a season while others come into your life for a lifetime and we shouldn't try to hang on to seasonal friends once their season is over.
Aight, those are my 5 things. Those would have been relevant for some little girls (I say little girls they were age 8-18) to hear. See my talk could have been so simple but I made it hard. Anyways, there it is, my "redo." I like it much better than the original. =)
Anyways, I'm blessed today to have wonderful people on every level of my hierarchy of friends and I pray that you have the same as well. As promised here's Whodini with one of the realest songs ever written: Friends.
So in case you haven't figured it out today, tonight rather, I'm writing about friends. I had to give a talk to some little girls a couple of weeks ago about friends and I think my talk sucked. Well, let me take that back, I don't think I sucked because everything I said was true and relevant, but I don't feel like it was real. I don't think I was being my true self when I got up there and began talking. I don't know what was going on in my mind, if it was the venue, or I was intimidated by some of the other adults there, whatever it was, I was tripping and I'm still upset because whatever I do, whenever I do it, I need to feel comfortable enough to stand up and be me. Anyways, I will consider this blog post my "do over" and hopefully in the future I won't ever have to sit back and regret not being myself at a speaking engagement... Geez.
Aight, so if there's one thing that I know about it's friends, not because I'm a therapist, not because I read the Bible and I've read the Biblical qualifications a friend should have, this is something I know because of personal experience. Don't let the age fool you, I've had friends of all colors, shapes, sizes, backgrounds, ages, sexual orientations... you get the idea. I've had really really good friends, the kind that would jump over a table in the club to have my back (true story) and then I've had some not so good friends (I'll just leave those stories out to protect the guilty, you're welcome.)
I can remember every best friend I've ever had from the age of 5 on and I can also remember every friend that I've thought was a best friend who ended up being a lying, two-faced, ratchet... well I digress. Today I can honestly say that I'm grateful for every friend (and I use that term lightly) that I've ever had. The bad friendships that I've had have helped me to learn valuable lessons about what not to do in the future as well as appreciate the good friends that I have today. As for my good friends... I think this is where I'll put my focus for this post. As entertaining as it would be for me to give you stories about the bad ones I think it's much more relevant for me to talk about the good ones so that you can have the opportunity to recognize and appreciate the good friends that you have (and maybe those who aren't so good that you still hang out with.)
Aight, I have lots of people who fit in the category friend in my life. I have people who I was super close to "back in the day when I was young" who I might not talk to too much today but who remain in that category because of who they were to me. I have former classmates and coworkers who might not know my innermost thoughts and dreams but are fun people who I enjoy hanging out with. I have people who think they are my friends who really aren't who I allow to think that they are because I somewhat agree with the adage to "keep your friends close and your enemies closer." So there's all kinds of people in my life and in the midst of all of them there are my real friends. These are the people I consider to be family who I would not want to imagine living without. These are the people who talk to about everything and nothing and who accept me flaws and all who contribute to making me a better person. I'm sure that you have some of all of the above as well but these people, each and every person who fits in the friend category of my life, these are the people that I'm thinking of now as I make this list of: 5 Things You Should Know About Friends.
#1- All Friends Are Not Created Equal
Imma be for real and let you know that I have a hierarchy of friends. Let's look at it like a pyramid. I have a whole bunch of people on the bottom of the pyramid who are technically my friends but they're more like associates. If I run into them in the streets I'll speak but that's about all it is between us and probably all that it's ever gon' be. Then if you go up a little bit on the hierarchy you get to people I know. These are people who actually know my first and last name. They might know a little bit about me. They probably know my phone number and we probably talk a couple of times a year. There's more levels but as you go up the number of people on that level gets smaller and smaller and that's how it should be. Everybody you know should not know every detail of your life. This means you shouldn't put everything you do on Twitter where anybody and everybody can read it. You shouldn't have a Facebook status talking about how you and your Boo are having problems. Be smart people, everybody is not best friend material therefore you should make sure that you don't set yourself up to be hurt by someone you considered a best friend who really deserved to be an associate.
#2- Birds of a Feather Really Do Flock Together
Once upon a time I used to think that who I was friends with really didn't matter. It didn't matter if they did things that I didn't necessarily agree with or lived certain lifestyles that I knew weren't right or if they were rude people or if they didn't have a relationship with God... Um, WRONG! That stuff matters. You might not agree with everything your friends do with their lives and that's fine but if they're just in general not a good person why would you be friends with them in the first place? It matters who you're friends with because people tend to be like the people they hang out with. That means if your friend cusses 24/7 and you don't, don't be surprised if the more you hang out with them you start cussing too; and I'm not just saying that sometimes bad habits can rub off, good habits can rub off too. All I'm saying is, if you're a good person and you're trying to live a life that's right with God then surround yourself with people who are trying to do the same thing. It only makes sense.
#3- Friendships Take Time
Don't base your opinion on someone solely on first impressions. Many times people are trying to put their best foot forward in the beginning and you won't see who they really are until later. If you're thinking about making someone your BFF after knowing them for five seconds, don't. It takes time to get to know people, but once they show you who they really are Believe them! I will tell you from personal experience several of my closest friendships today started off with either me not liking them or them not liking me, however, once we got to know each other then we allowed our friendships to develop. Take your time, if they're a real friend then they're not going anywhere.
4- No Friend Is Perfect Therefore No Friendship Is Perfect
No matter how much you love your friend and they claim to love you, at some point there's going to be some discord and this is to be expected. So many people have unrealistic expectations for people and relationships in their lives. Take it from me, I've had some kind of conflict with every close friend I've ever had. Granted, some conflicts have been bigger than others but today when conflict arises in my friendship I'm not devastated because I know that at some point it's bound to happen. Do yourself a favor and accept that no one is perfect and no friendship is perfect so when conflict arises you are able to talk about it and work through it. After all, many friendships become stronger after going through something.
5- Best Friends, Yes; Best Friends Forever, Not So Much
I know what it is to have a friend that you think is the "best you ever had" and you just think that yall will be friends forever and then the friendship ends up not working out. It happens. Friends fall off with each other for whatever reason and that's just something that we have to learn to accept. I think that it's important to recognize that some people come into your life for a season while others come into your life for a lifetime and we shouldn't try to hang on to seasonal friends once their season is over.
Aight, those are my 5 things. Those would have been relevant for some little girls (I say little girls they were age 8-18) to hear. See my talk could have been so simple but I made it hard. Anyways, there it is, my "redo." I like it much better than the original. =)
Anyways, I'm blessed today to have wonderful people on every level of my hierarchy of friends and I pray that you have the same as well. As promised here's Whodini with one of the realest songs ever written: Friends.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
On Time God
Back in the day when I was young Dottie Peoples had this song, "He's An On Time God." It was all over the radio and churches big and small had their choirs singing it. People all over LOVED that song. I wasn't one of them, LOL. I mean I thought the song was okay... I liked how she told a story through the verses... The song was just so old school to me, and not in a good way. Even when it was new it still felt old to me... I was super young then and to me it was just not what was hot.
Today, I can appreciate the song in a way that I couldn't before. When the song came out I hadn't experienced enough in my life to personally know God as being "an on time God." Now I understand why this song used to get everybody in the church out of their seat. I'll spare you the details of my life that have led me to this personal revelation but I will say this, "He's an on time God. He's an on time God. He's an on time God. Yes, yes, yeaaahhhhhh, yes He is!" :-)
Today, I can appreciate the song in a way that I couldn't before. When the song came out I hadn't experienced enough in my life to personally know God as being "an on time God." Now I understand why this song used to get everybody in the church out of their seat. I'll spare you the details of my life that have led me to this personal revelation but I will say this, "He's an on time God. He's an on time God. He's an on time God. Yes, yes, yeaaahhhhhh, yes He is!" :-)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Settling Down
Recently I've struggled to empathize with my friends and the issues that they encounter in their romantic relationships. For several of my friends, I'm the person that they turn to to talk about the happenings with their boos. Don't get me wrong, I love love love being the one that they turn to and I appreciate the fact that they care enough to tell me anything at all about their personal lives. However, the more serious they get in their relationships the harder it is for me to relate.
At this point in my life I can't understand wanting to give up single life in order to share my life with someone else. (For what it's worth I've never been too keen on sharing. LOL.) It's crazy too because once upon a time I was obsessed the thought of being married. I sit here and laugh today at how much my priorities have changed. I can remember at one point telling my friends that if given the choice between pursuing a career or getting married and having kids I would choose the latter. Without hesitation or a second thought I would have chose the latter. Now getting married is probably one of the last things on my mind while getting my career off the ground is one of the 1st. However, all around me more and more of my friends are making the decision to "settle down." It's crazy to see some of my friends (many of whom are the same age of me) not only as husbands or wives but also as parents. My, my, my how things change...
Last Friday I ran into one of my old friends from high school. We hadn't seen each other in YEARS so I was really happy to see her. We sat down and discussed the current state our lives but for me nothing had really changed since the last time I'd seen her. I'm still single and still in school. What can I say, I'm still the "same ol' G"LOL. I was surprised to hear how much her life had changed though.
She confessed that she had settled down since the last time I'd seen her. My little party girl friend is now working on getting her certification to become a teacher. She said when she met her boyfriend she decided to calm down on all the partying and now her focus is on her family, her boo, work, and school. When she told me that they'd even bought a house together I was shocked. I would have never guessed that she would have changed her lifestyle so much so quickly and at such a young age (she's 21/22.) It started me to thinking though...
I decided that my new quest would be to get a better understanding of why people make the decision to settle down. I started wondering, how does it happen? What happens in a person's life to make them want to settle down? Is it that they meet someone and that person makes them want to settle down or is it that they make the decision to settle down and then they meet someone to settle down with? I felt that it was probably a little bit of both. I even asked for the opinion of several of my friends who are in semi-serious relationships and they agreed. So at that point I had the answer to my questions but there was still a part of me that felt that I couldn't fully comprehend why people make the decision to settle down, especially at my age.
The way I see/saw it is that it's fun to be single. I like having the freedom to be able to do whatever, whenever, without worrying about having to answer to anyone, cater to anyone, or compromise with anyone. It's fun and exciting to meet new dudes and establish new friendships, especially when they turn out to be someone that you actually enjoy hanging out with and you grow to care about, but for me that's all I think/thought I needed- at least for right now anyway. Then something happened that put it all into perspective for me...
Last weekend I went to this place that I go to regularly. (I know some of you might want to know where I was. Don't ask no questions, LOL. When I leave out details I do so on purpose. I be trying to tell yall stories without making it too easy for yall to figure out who/what/when/where/why I'm talking about it. :-))
So yeah, I went to this place that I go to all the time. I recognized most of the people who were there because they're usuals as well but there were several faces that I'd never seen before. I was chilling in my normal spot when all of a sudden I saw this boy across the room. He wasn't a familiar face but he seemed to be the life of the party. It seemed that all eyes were on him, mine included.
I couldn't figure out why I didn't know him. This was one of those places where everybody knows everybody for the most part so in my mind I was like, where did he come from? I sat up a little bit straighter just in case he looked in my direction and leaned over and asked the person beside me casually, "Who is that?" She told me he was a friend of one of the usuals and that she'd seen him there before. "Oh okay," I responded trying to play it off like I was indifferent but I was definitely attracted to him. I couldn't put my finger on what it was about him that attracted me to him at first but then I realized that he "remind[ed] me of a boy that I once knew..." but not only that, he reminded me of a time in my life (long ago and so far away) back when I had wanted to "settle down."
I had remembered wanting so desperately to be married when I was younger but I had forgotten that at the time there was someone I could actually see myself being married to. Mr. Man, I'll call him, was everything that I had ever prayed for in a partner and even some things I hadn't even thought to pray for. The way that I felt about him is something that I won't even attempt to articulate in words, however, I will say that I've never felt that way about anyone before him and I haven't felt that way about anyone since him. I would look at him and I could see forever. I felt like he fit in my life in a way that no one else would, could, or should. And he wasn't perfect, as no man is, but I saw past his imperfections and I saw his potential...
I won't bore you about Mr. Man because I could probably babble about about him for hours if not days and he isn't too relevant because obviously we didn't turn out Happily Ever After... Let's just say that my quest for understanding ended at the onset of seeing Mr. YouRemindMe who reminded me of Mr. Man. I can't even believe that I've gotten so caught up in life and so far away from love that I forgot how it felt to not only want to settle down but to also have felt that you found the person you want to settle down with. Don't worry, I'm not any closer to wanting to give up the single life than I was before I began this little search for understanding, however, I end this particular journey feeling like I will be able to be a better friend now that I am able to empathize more with what my friends are going through. Also, although I'm not in a hurry to rush love I will appreciate it more when it comes knowing that it does not come along that often.
So for all of you who have made the decision to settle down and you've been fortunate enough to find the person to settle down with, Yay for you! I'm genuinely happy for you and I wish you the best. However, for now I'm happy just being "the same ol' [single] G." LOL. :-)
At this point in my life I can't understand wanting to give up single life in order to share my life with someone else. (For what it's worth I've never been too keen on sharing. LOL.) It's crazy too because once upon a time I was obsessed the thought of being married. I sit here and laugh today at how much my priorities have changed. I can remember at one point telling my friends that if given the choice between pursuing a career or getting married and having kids I would choose the latter. Without hesitation or a second thought I would have chose the latter. Now getting married is probably one of the last things on my mind while getting my career off the ground is one of the 1st. However, all around me more and more of my friends are making the decision to "settle down." It's crazy to see some of my friends (many of whom are the same age of me) not only as husbands or wives but also as parents. My, my, my how things change...
Last Friday I ran into one of my old friends from high school. We hadn't seen each other in YEARS so I was really happy to see her. We sat down and discussed the current state our lives but for me nothing had really changed since the last time I'd seen her. I'm still single and still in school. What can I say, I'm still the "same ol' G"LOL. I was surprised to hear how much her life had changed though.
She confessed that she had settled down since the last time I'd seen her. My little party girl friend is now working on getting her certification to become a teacher. She said when she met her boyfriend she decided to calm down on all the partying and now her focus is on her family, her boo, work, and school. When she told me that they'd even bought a house together I was shocked. I would have never guessed that she would have changed her lifestyle so much so quickly and at such a young age (she's 21/22.) It started me to thinking though...
I decided that my new quest would be to get a better understanding of why people make the decision to settle down. I started wondering, how does it happen? What happens in a person's life to make them want to settle down? Is it that they meet someone and that person makes them want to settle down or is it that they make the decision to settle down and then they meet someone to settle down with? I felt that it was probably a little bit of both. I even asked for the opinion of several of my friends who are in semi-serious relationships and they agreed. So at that point I had the answer to my questions but there was still a part of me that felt that I couldn't fully comprehend why people make the decision to settle down, especially at my age.
The way I see/saw it is that it's fun to be single. I like having the freedom to be able to do whatever, whenever, without worrying about having to answer to anyone, cater to anyone, or compromise with anyone. It's fun and exciting to meet new dudes and establish new friendships, especially when they turn out to be someone that you actually enjoy hanging out with and you grow to care about, but for me that's all I think/thought I needed- at least for right now anyway. Then something happened that put it all into perspective for me...
Last weekend I went to this place that I go to regularly. (I know some of you might want to know where I was. Don't ask no questions, LOL. When I leave out details I do so on purpose. I be trying to tell yall stories without making it too easy for yall to figure out who/what/when/where/why I'm talking about it. :-))
So yeah, I went to this place that I go to all the time. I recognized most of the people who were there because they're usuals as well but there were several faces that I'd never seen before. I was chilling in my normal spot when all of a sudden I saw this boy across the room. He wasn't a familiar face but he seemed to be the life of the party. It seemed that all eyes were on him, mine included.
I couldn't figure out why I didn't know him. This was one of those places where everybody knows everybody for the most part so in my mind I was like, where did he come from? I sat up a little bit straighter just in case he looked in my direction and leaned over and asked the person beside me casually, "Who is that?" She told me he was a friend of one of the usuals and that she'd seen him there before. "Oh okay," I responded trying to play it off like I was indifferent but I was definitely attracted to him. I couldn't put my finger on what it was about him that attracted me to him at first but then I realized that he "remind[ed] me of a boy that I once knew..." but not only that, he reminded me of a time in my life (long ago and so far away) back when I had wanted to "settle down."
I had remembered wanting so desperately to be married when I was younger but I had forgotten that at the time there was someone I could actually see myself being married to. Mr. Man, I'll call him, was everything that I had ever prayed for in a partner and even some things I hadn't even thought to pray for. The way that I felt about him is something that I won't even attempt to articulate in words, however, I will say that I've never felt that way about anyone before him and I haven't felt that way about anyone since him. I would look at him and I could see forever. I felt like he fit in my life in a way that no one else would, could, or should. And he wasn't perfect, as no man is, but I saw past his imperfections and I saw his potential...
I won't bore you about Mr. Man because I could probably babble about about him for hours if not days and he isn't too relevant because obviously we didn't turn out Happily Ever After... Let's just say that my quest for understanding ended at the onset of seeing Mr. YouRemindMe who reminded me of Mr. Man. I can't even believe that I've gotten so caught up in life and so far away from love that I forgot how it felt to not only want to settle down but to also have felt that you found the person you want to settle down with. Don't worry, I'm not any closer to wanting to give up the single life than I was before I began this little search for understanding, however, I end this particular journey feeling like I will be able to be a better friend now that I am able to empathize more with what my friends are going through. Also, although I'm not in a hurry to rush love I will appreciate it more when it comes knowing that it does not come along that often.
So for all of you who have made the decision to settle down and you've been fortunate enough to find the person to settle down with, Yay for you! I'm genuinely happy for you and I wish you the best. However, for now I'm happy just being "the same ol' [single] G." LOL. :-)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The Essence of Truly Being "Grown"
Jenny Solomon
photoxpress.com
So now that my birthday is quickly approaching I'm on this whole "act like a grownup" kick. Although I've technically been an adult for a while now and I would tell people to tried to talk crazy to me "You can't tell me nothin' I'm grown," looong before my 18th birthday, I recognize now that I'm not as grown as I thought I was. I wondered though, What does it mean to be grown? What does being grown even look like? I googled it of course and the first definition I found described being grown as being "fully mature." I liked the definition but it proved what I only suspected before, I am far from truly being grown.
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Recently I've been having Brian McKnight moments. Yall know what I'm talking about. Those "do I ever cross your mind anytime" kind of moments. Let me clarify though; it wasn't as crucial to me as it was to Mr. McKnight. I wasn't "crying myself to sleep... wondering about tomorrow, won't you come back to me..." None of that. However, weekend before last I started thinking about this boy... I had seen someone who looked like him and it reminded me of him. Let's call him Church Boy.
Church Boy and I grew up together. We went to church together. We went to school together. I saw him often and we were friends. I remember either my freshman or sophomore year in high school he showed up at my locker with flowers and candy for Valentine's Day, trying to be my valentine. I thought that that was super cute of him but I didn't really like him like that so we remained friends. Anyway, after I saw Boy Who Looks Like Him I was like, Hmm. Why aren't Church Boy and I friends? I live here. He lives here. We could hang out.
So it became my life's mission to find him. Okay, okay, it wasn't that serious but I did want to find a way to contact him and see what was up with us hanging out. (For those of you who are wondering, no I did not have a change of heart and suddenly realize that I couldn't live without him. I just wanted to catch up with an old friend. Period. The end.) So you can imagine my excitement (and surprise) when less than a week later I ran into him at Wal-Mart.
I noticed him before he noticed me so I left all my stuff where it was in the self check-out line and I walked over to him and said hello. It was one of those typical greetings after not seeing someone for years. There was a surprised, "Hey!"then a "hey" back. Hug. I'm sure that hug would have been followed by a short question and answer session. How are you? What you been up to? Blah, blah, blah, but I had to get back to my stuff just in case some clown tried to snatch my purse so I went back to the line and quickly checked out my stuff hoping that I would finish before he did so I could go back over and talk to him.
Checking out my stuff took longer than expected and then I ended up helping the little old lady behind me in line. I knew he had to be long gone by then but when I turned around he was standing there waiting for me, smiling. He commented about me and my dress and it reminded me of the days we used to joke around in high school. I was definitely not expecting the next thing that came out of his mouth.
"So what's been up with you," I asked. "My son was just born yesterday," he beamed. It was at that moment I saw the hospital bracelet on his left hand and the bag holding the baby headrest for the car seat in his right. It was also at that moment that I realized that my little plan for us to become buddies was not gon' happen, LOL. He had his own new little baby buddy and a baby momma to hang out with so he definitely did not need me.
I will admit I was a little disappointed that he wasn't going to become my newest BFF but more than that I was soooooooooooooooo genuinely happy for him. Wow. A baby. As I stood there and looked at baby pictures on his phone I wondered how life would have been different I had let him be my valentine all those years ago...
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Fast forward to tonight. I stumbled across the ESPYs on ESPN and I got sooo excited. I sat there watching all of the athletes and entertainers and in my mind I drifted back to the days when I was young... Yall, I wanted to be an athlete sooooooooo bad when I was younger. I did have the body of an athlete in high school but unfortunately I lacked the skills I so longed to have. I had always excelled academically but sports, especially basketball, was always a challenge for me.
I remember the summer before my junior year in high school I had made up my mind that I was going to be a starter. I woke up at the crack of dawn every morning and headed to the basketball court and I didn't go home until the street lights came on. I even dreamt about basketball at night. By the time I went back to school I was black as tar from being out in the sun all day everyday but more importantly than that I finally felt that I had the confidence and the skills I needed to excel. Although Coach hadn't said anything officially, by the time we got to the practice before our first game I felt that not only would I be starting but I might even be up for the position of Team Captain. It was in that practice I shattered my finger and with that shattered my dream of finally being a real athlete. I still wonder from time to time how my life would have been different if I hadn't shattered my finger all those years ago...
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Although I may never know all the answers to the question of what it truly means to be grown, if you ask me today, right now, I would answer: Being grown is being able to look at your life and recognizing that you are exactly where you need to be, at the exact time you need to be there, with the people you need to be there with.
In life there will always be what ifs and I'm sure that you too might run across someone someday that will make you wonder, "Do I ever cross you mind anytime?" However, I feel like the difference between someone who is grown and someone who isn't is that a grown person can look at her life and accept the things that God has allowed. She can accept the place where she is in life, while still always seeking to improve. She can accept and appreciate the people who are currently in her life while also accepting and appreciating the people who may no longer be for whatever reason. She can accept God's timing and diligently and patiently seek Him until the season she is praying/hoping for comes around.
So as I continue on my journey I am hoping to get to the point where I no longer will have to "act like a grownup" because I will be one, fully mature in every sense of the word, however, for now I remain the ungrown grownup on a quest to grow up. ;-) Luv u guys. God bless!
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