Jenny Solomon
photoxpress.com
So now that my birthday is quickly approaching I'm on this whole "act like a grownup" kick. Although I've technically been an adult for a while now and I would tell people to tried to talk crazy to me "You can't tell me nothin' I'm grown," looong before my 18th birthday, I recognize now that I'm not as grown as I thought I was. I wondered though, What does it mean to be grown? What does being grown even look like? I googled it of course and the first definition I found described being grown as being "fully mature." I liked the definition but it proved what I only suspected before, I am far from truly being grown.
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Recently I've been having Brian McKnight moments. Yall know what I'm talking about. Those "do I ever cross your mind anytime" kind of moments. Let me clarify though; it wasn't as crucial to me as it was to Mr. McKnight. I wasn't "crying myself to sleep... wondering about tomorrow, won't you come back to me..." None of that. However, weekend before last I started thinking about this boy... I had seen someone who looked like him and it reminded me of him. Let's call him Church Boy.
Church Boy and I grew up together. We went to church together. We went to school together. I saw him often and we were friends. I remember either my freshman or sophomore year in high school he showed up at my locker with flowers and candy for Valentine's Day, trying to be my valentine. I thought that that was super cute of him but I didn't really like him like that so we remained friends. Anyway, after I saw Boy Who Looks Like Him I was like, Hmm. Why aren't Church Boy and I friends? I live here. He lives here. We could hang out.
So it became my life's mission to find him. Okay, okay, it wasn't that serious but I did want to find a way to contact him and see what was up with us hanging out. (For those of you who are wondering, no I did not have a change of heart and suddenly realize that I couldn't live without him. I just wanted to catch up with an old friend. Period. The end.) So you can imagine my excitement (and surprise) when less than a week later I ran into him at Wal-Mart.
I noticed him before he noticed me so I left all my stuff where it was in the self check-out line and I walked over to him and said hello. It was one of those typical greetings after not seeing someone for years. There was a surprised, "Hey!"then a "hey" back. Hug. I'm sure that hug would have been followed by a short question and answer session. How are you? What you been up to? Blah, blah, blah, but I had to get back to my stuff just in case some clown tried to snatch my purse so I went back to the line and quickly checked out my stuff hoping that I would finish before he did so I could go back over and talk to him.
Checking out my stuff took longer than expected and then I ended up helping the little old lady behind me in line. I knew he had to be long gone by then but when I turned around he was standing there waiting for me, smiling. He commented about me and my dress and it reminded me of the days we used to joke around in high school. I was definitely not expecting the next thing that came out of his mouth.
"So what's been up with you," I asked. "My son was just born yesterday," he beamed. It was at that moment I saw the hospital bracelet on his left hand and the bag holding the baby headrest for the car seat in his right. It was also at that moment that I realized that my little plan for us to become buddies was not gon' happen, LOL. He had his own new little baby buddy and a baby momma to hang out with so he definitely did not need me.
I will admit I was a little disappointed that he wasn't going to become my newest BFF but more than that I was soooooooooooooooo genuinely happy for him. Wow. A baby. As I stood there and looked at baby pictures on his phone I wondered how life would have been different I had let him be my valentine all those years ago...
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Fast forward to tonight. I stumbled across the ESPYs on ESPN and I got sooo excited. I sat there watching all of the athletes and entertainers and in my mind I drifted back to the days when I was young... Yall, I wanted to be an athlete sooooooooo bad when I was younger. I did have the body of an athlete in high school but unfortunately I lacked the skills I so longed to have. I had always excelled academically but sports, especially basketball, was always a challenge for me.
I remember the summer before my junior year in high school I had made up my mind that I was going to be a starter. I woke up at the crack of dawn every morning and headed to the basketball court and I didn't go home until the street lights came on. I even dreamt about basketball at night. By the time I went back to school I was black as tar from being out in the sun all day everyday but more importantly than that I finally felt that I had the confidence and the skills I needed to excel. Although Coach hadn't said anything officially, by the time we got to the practice before our first game I felt that not only would I be starting but I might even be up for the position of Team Captain. It was in that practice I shattered my finger and with that shattered my dream of finally being a real athlete. I still wonder from time to time how my life would have been different if I hadn't shattered my finger all those years ago...
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Although I may never know all the answers to the question of what it truly means to be grown, if you ask me today, right now, I would answer: Being grown is being able to look at your life and recognizing that you are exactly where you need to be, at the exact time you need to be there, with the people you need to be there with.
In life there will always be what ifs and I'm sure that you too might run across someone someday that will make you wonder, "Do I ever cross you mind anytime?" However, I feel like the difference between someone who is grown and someone who isn't is that a grown person can look at her life and accept the things that God has allowed. She can accept the place where she is in life, while still always seeking to improve. She can accept and appreciate the people who are currently in her life while also accepting and appreciating the people who may no longer be for whatever reason. She can accept God's timing and diligently and patiently seek Him until the season she is praying/hoping for comes around.
So as I continue on my journey I am hoping to get to the point where I no longer will have to "act like a grownup" because I will be one, fully mature in every sense of the word, however, for now I remain the ungrown grownup on a quest to grow up. ;-) Luv u guys. God bless!
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