Beyond What I Can Think... He Is
Tonight it seems as if Pandora is reading my mind... I click on the link and Xcape's "Who Can I Run To" begins to play. I remember the day I fell in love with that song... I remember the person I was with... I remember how when I really listened to the lyrics I found myself hanging on to every word. It wasn't just a song to me, it was a question that I was posing to myself and anyone else who could hear my heart, "who can I run to when I need love?"
Kandi singing the lyrics reminded me that I am not the only one who feels this way. There are sure to be thousands of girls around the world who if they hear the song will identify with the lyrics exactly as I did... So why am I here, alone, sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself?
At that moment, "Christian guilt" begins to flood in. (I've heard people speak of Catholic guilt so what I'm feeling must be the Christian equivalent.) Every scripture that I've ever heard or I've ever read about God being ever present with me comes to mind. "...lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world." (Matthew 28:20). Then, there's Hebrews 13:5 that says, "...for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee," that He being God. But yet I find myself sitting here alone at midnight feeling like J.Hud, "Where you at? You said you would be here for me???"
But no angel appears on the couch next to me. There is no random knock at my door. Nobody unexpectedly texts or calls my phone. An IM does not pop up on my computer screen. It's still me... alone with my thoughts, my guilt, because after the scriptures the songs lyrics start flowing through my mind... "Sometimes you have to encourage yourself. Sometimes you have to speak victory during the test." Then it's as if the playlist in my mind goes old school because it goes all the way back to, "He's an on time God, yes He is. Oooooo." The thought of Dottie peoples and her Marge Simpson hairstyle make me smile but in the back of my mind none of these scriptures or these songs or helping and I just want some relief. Then it's as if a button in my head clicks and the Clark Sisters commence, "Is my living in vain? Is my giving in vain? Am I wasting my time? Can the clock be rewind?"
I feel as if I'm losing hope and then another familiar scripture comes to mind... "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given to us." (Romans 5: 3-5).
After I read that scripture I feel a peace come over me. It was as if my hope tank was on empty and that scripture refilled my tank. The scripture reminded me that when I feel like this... when I'm down... when I'm going through... when I'm dealing with tribulations, this is the time for me to get happy, or rejoice proudly as the definition of glory suggests because I know that know that enduring this trial is developing my patience, and as I add this particular trial to the other ones that I've gone through I know that I am gaining experience, and because I know that I made it through all of those other situations I have a renewed sense of hope that I will make it through this one as well.
Last night I was feeling lonely just as I am tonight and I was hoping that a friend would call. When my phone rang I felt a sense of relief but I was surprised that talking to my friend was not making me feel any better. I expected her to comfort me and to reassure me that everything was okay. I expected her in some kind of way to take away my feelings of loneliness but when I hung up with her I found myself feeling just as empty as I did when I answered the phone. It's crazy to me that less than 24 hours after I experienced the disappointment of a person not fulfilling my needs that I would once again look to people for fulfillment.
Me, with my limited mind and limited comprehension of experiences... Why do I continuously look to people to fill a void that only God can fill? and then again why do you??? I'm looking for something tangible. I'm looking for something that I can feel, not remembering that I can feel His presence. I'm looking for something to physically comfort me, like a man to hold me at night but God is a spirit so He comforts my... spirit. He reminds my spirit man that He is ever present, because He is. He speaks peace to my spirit and my mind and my body have to obey... and therein lies the key. The issues that I am having are things that need to be addressed in the spirit realm. No friend calling me on the phone and no man holding me at night is going to fill this void... I need the Holy Spirit to rest, rule, and abide within me. I need His presence to overshadow me to the point that my mind and my body are under subjection to Him. I need Him. So my desire to seek Him deepens. I thirst for Him all the more... and knowing that He is willing and able to quench that thirst gives me hope... The very thing that I was missing in the first place.
On Pandora, Erykah Badu Radio is playing and I chuckle to myself as Erykah sings, "Your booty might be bigga, but I still can pull yo ni**a..." and I'm thanking God for comic relief in this moment. Just 20 minutes ago I was ready to denounce those scriptures and songs flowing through my mind as null and void but I thank God for stepping in and revealing to me my folly. Now there's a new song playing in my mind and at this moment the words are speaking to me in a way that they never had before,
And the answers to my question has been answered because I am reassured of who I can run to when I need love. No longer looking for a physical response to a physical issue... Finally addressing the heart of the matter, literally I lay back on my pillow as sweet reminders of how He loves me lull me to sleep.
Kandi singing the lyrics reminded me that I am not the only one who feels this way. There are sure to be thousands of girls around the world who if they hear the song will identify with the lyrics exactly as I did... So why am I here, alone, sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself?
At that moment, "Christian guilt" begins to flood in. (I've heard people speak of Catholic guilt so what I'm feeling must be the Christian equivalent.) Every scripture that I've ever heard or I've ever read about God being ever present with me comes to mind. "...lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world." (Matthew 28:20). Then, there's Hebrews 13:5 that says, "...for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee," that He being God. But yet I find myself sitting here alone at midnight feeling like J.Hud, "Where you at? You said you would be here for me???"
But no angel appears on the couch next to me. There is no random knock at my door. Nobody unexpectedly texts or calls my phone. An IM does not pop up on my computer screen. It's still me... alone with my thoughts, my guilt, because after the scriptures the songs lyrics start flowing through my mind... "Sometimes you have to encourage yourself. Sometimes you have to speak victory during the test." Then it's as if the playlist in my mind goes old school because it goes all the way back to, "He's an on time God, yes He is. Oooooo." The thought of Dottie peoples and her Marge Simpson hairstyle make me smile but in the back of my mind none of these scriptures or these songs or helping and I just want some relief. Then it's as if a button in my head clicks and the Clark Sisters commence, "Is my living in vain? Is my giving in vain? Am I wasting my time? Can the clock be rewind?"
I feel as if I'm losing hope and then another familiar scripture comes to mind... "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given to us." (Romans 5: 3-5).
After I read that scripture I feel a peace come over me. It was as if my hope tank was on empty and that scripture refilled my tank. The scripture reminded me that when I feel like this... when I'm down... when I'm going through... when I'm dealing with tribulations, this is the time for me to get happy, or rejoice proudly as the definition of glory suggests because I know that know that enduring this trial is developing my patience, and as I add this particular trial to the other ones that I've gone through I know that I am gaining experience, and because I know that I made it through all of those other situations I have a renewed sense of hope that I will make it through this one as well.
Last night I was feeling lonely just as I am tonight and I was hoping that a friend would call. When my phone rang I felt a sense of relief but I was surprised that talking to my friend was not making me feel any better. I expected her to comfort me and to reassure me that everything was okay. I expected her in some kind of way to take away my feelings of loneliness but when I hung up with her I found myself feeling just as empty as I did when I answered the phone. It's crazy to me that less than 24 hours after I experienced the disappointment of a person not fulfilling my needs that I would once again look to people for fulfillment.
Me, with my limited mind and limited comprehension of experiences... Why do I continuously look to people to fill a void that only God can fill? and then again why do you??? I'm looking for something tangible. I'm looking for something that I can feel, not remembering that I can feel His presence. I'm looking for something to physically comfort me, like a man to hold me at night but God is a spirit so He comforts my... spirit. He reminds my spirit man that He is ever present, because He is. He speaks peace to my spirit and my mind and my body have to obey... and therein lies the key. The issues that I am having are things that need to be addressed in the spirit realm. No friend calling me on the phone and no man holding me at night is going to fill this void... I need the Holy Spirit to rest, rule, and abide within me. I need His presence to overshadow me to the point that my mind and my body are under subjection to Him. I need Him. So my desire to seek Him deepens. I thirst for Him all the more... and knowing that He is willing and able to quench that thirst gives me hope... The very thing that I was missing in the first place.
On Pandora, Erykah Badu Radio is playing and I chuckle to myself as Erykah sings, "Your booty might be bigga, but I still can pull yo ni**a..." and I'm thanking God for comic relief in this moment. Just 20 minutes ago I was ready to denounce those scriptures and songs flowing through my mind as null and void but I thank God for stepping in and revealing to me my folly. Now there's a new song playing in my mind and at this moment the words are speaking to me in a way that they never had before,
Speak to my heart, Holy Spirit
Give me the words that will bring new life
Words on the wings of the morning
the dark night will fade away
If you speak to my heart
Speak to my heart, Holy Spirit
Message of love to encourage me
Lifting my heart from despair
How you loved me and cared for me
If speak to my Heart
Speak to my Heart Lord
Give me your Holy Word
If I can hear from you,then I'll know what to do
I won't go alone, I'll never go on my own
Just let your Spirit guide and let your word abide
Speak to my Heart
Give me the words that will bring new life
Words on the wings of the morning
the dark night will fade away
If you speak to my heart
Speak to my heart, Holy Spirit
Message of love to encourage me
Lifting my heart from despair
How you loved me and cared for me
If speak to my Heart
Speak to my Heart Lord
Give me your Holy Word
If I can hear from you,then I'll know what to do
I won't go alone, I'll never go on my own
Just let your Spirit guide and let your word abide
Speak to my Heart
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