Me, Myself, and Jesus

"Back in the days when I was young I'm not a kid anymore

But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again"

                                                       -Ahmad, rapper

I'm a planner. It's who I am. It's what I do. 

In preschool I knew that I wanted to be a doctor. By the end of elementary school I was not yet able to articulate the technical term "obstetrician/gynecologist" but when asked, responded that I wanted to be a baby doctor. By the end of middle school I knew which university I wanted to attend and what I would major in when I got there. By the end of high school I had been accepted to that university (as well as numerous others) and had received a full scholarship. Yet another thing to scratch off my list. Like most other ambitious little kids I knew, I had a Life Plan. I wanted to accomplish this by this age and obtain that by that age and at that point everything was going according to plan. I even graduated from that university with honors and in under four years but somehow, someway the plan went awry. 

When I sat down and made the plan I did not account for unforeseen circumstances, financial strain, illnesses, deaths, losses, natural disasters, and other acts of God that would thwart the plan. For nearly twenty years my life went according to plan, but in an instant that all changed and now I find myself, the planner, stuck, and without a Plan B.

For a while, I felt like a part of my identity was gone and I even felt that all of my accomplishments were in vain. How could I remain to be seen as "the planner" when I no longer had a plan? That's when in my mind I went back to the days when I was a child, when everything felt so complicated but was actually quite simple. "Back in the days when I was young" and I didn't quite understand what Monica meant in Love and Basketball when she said, "It's a trip, you know? When you're a kid, you-you see the life you want, and it never crosses your mind that it's not gonna turn out that way."

She's right. I never imagined that life would not turn out the way that I wanted it to. I immaturely imagined that my plan was so perfect that no backup plan was necessary, so when tragedy struck in my life and my plan failed I felt like I had nothing left. Fortunately, after some time I finally came to the realization that although I no longer had a plan I still have everything I need to make a new one. So this is the written account of my quest to come up with and implement Plan B (and Plan C, D, and E if necessary). I'm sure I will interact with numerous people on this new journey, but for now it's just

 Me, Myself, and Jesus.